


The 14 Days of Valentines

by neko_fish



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 04:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/683031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neko_fish/pseuds/neko_fish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Bones (with Scotty's help) has received a mystery parcel on the latest supply delivery two weeks before Valentines. He won't tell Jim what it is, so Jim sends increasingly desperate/bizarre/threatening/wheedling comms to the rest of the crew to try to get them to spill the beans."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 14 Days of Valentines

**Author's Note:**

> Written for norfolkdumpling's prompt at the jim_and_bones Love Letters Flash Challenge.

**February 1st**  
  
Jim was rounding the corner to the engineer room when he overheard a hushed conversation taking place. Curious, he pressed himself up against the wall and did a bit of eavesdropping—because if there was one thing Jim Kirk lacked, it was a sense of boundary when it came to his crew members.  
  
“So this is it then?”  
  
It was McCoy’s voice.  
  
“Aye, it’s all yours, doctor. I’m surprised you went out of your way to get this for the captain.”  
  
And Scotty’s.  
  
“Yeah, well, you can’t let Jim know about this, okay, Scotty?”  
  
“Your secret’s safe with me.  But what are the chances of the captain  _not_ finding out about this? That lad’s got this uncanny ability of finding out about these things. I don’t know how he does it.”  
  
Bones huffed in annoyance. “I know. I’m not getting my hopes up. It's a miracle I even managed to hide the order from him, and that was only with everyone’s help. But this was off records, so it should buy me a little time. Hopefully I’ll be able to get it ready in time. Anyways, I guess I should go hide this somewhere. Thanks for your help.”  
  
“Anytime, doctor. Good luck.”  
  
Jim raised a brow at that. So the whole crew was in on this, hmm?  
  
How very  _interesting_.  
  
Quickly hiding from sight as the door opened and his CMO left the room with a small package tucked under his arm. Curiosity growing, Jim slowly trailed behind the doctor until they reached the sickbay. Watching his friend disappear, he stood around and waited for a full minute before stretching and casually strolled into the sickbay with his usual grin on his face. “Hey, Bones-”  
  
He was met by a hostile glare.  
  
McCoy’s eyes were narrowed as he scowled threateningly. “No.”  
  
Blinking as innocently as he could, Jim asked, “No what? What are you talking about?”  
  
The doctor looked completely unconvinced. “If you so much as take a step in here without a legit medical reason in the next two weeks, the staff have been instructed to tranquilize you.”  
  
Jim frowned. “That’s kind of extreme, isn’t it?”  
  
Raising a brow, the brunet asked him, “Are you saying you’d obediently stay away if I  _didn’t_  threaten you like that, Jim?”  
  
The captain snorted. There was no point in trying to lie to Bones. The man could read him like a medical journal. “No. Of course not. Even if you threaten me, I’ll just keep trying to sneak in…” He paused and blinked. “Oh. I see where you’re coming from. Well, will you at least continue to visit me on the bridge?”  
  
McCoy shrugged. “I’ll see what my workload’s like. Now go away.”  
  
After years of experience, he knew a lost argument when he heard one. With a pout, Jim returned to the bridge. Pulling out his communicator, he began typing a message to Scotty.  
  
 ** _14:26, J. Kirk to M. Scott:_**

 _So, Scotty… Receive any interesting packages lately?_  
  
Sitting there, he waited for a reply and got two instead—one from the engineer and one from Bones.  
  
 ** _14:27, M. Scott to J. Kirk:_**

_No, captain. Why do you ask?_   
  
**_14:27, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Jim. Stop bugging Scotty and get back to work_.  
  
 ** _14:28, J. Kirk to M. Scott:_**

_No particular reason. Just asking._   
  
**_14:29, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Maybe I was just asking him legit CAPTAINLY things, Bones!_   
  
**_14:29, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_So when are you going to come up for a visit?_   
  
**_14:30, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_I’m busy. And you JUST left._  
  
Sulking, Jim decided to try messaging someone else.  
  
 ** _14:32, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_**

_Hello, my favourite communications officer in the entire universe._   
  
**_14:32, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_ **

_No._   
  
**_14:33, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_ **

_I didn’t even ask you anything yet!_  
  
And so it began.  
  
\--  
  
 **February 2nd**  
  
 ** _10:14, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_**

_Hey Sulu, did you hear about the package Bones got?_   
  
**_10:15, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_No. I have no idea what you're talking about._   
  
**_10:15, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_Are you sure? I’m pretty sure you know exactly what I’m talking about._   
  
**_10:16, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_If you already knew that I knew, then why’d you even bother asking me if I knew?_   
  
**_10:17, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_I was trying to be discreet._   
  
**_10:19, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_Ha. Good one, captain._   
  
**_10:21, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_Whatever. Bones has an army of medical personnel equipped with tranquilizers in the sickbay so I can’t get in._   
  
**_10:22, H. Sulu, J. Kirk:_ **

_Wow, that’s very impressive._   
  
**_10:23, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_Not impressive—excessive. I just wanted a peek! Can’t you give me a hint or something?_   
  
**_10:24, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_Sorry. No can do._   
  
**_10:26, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_Come on. You don’t have to tell me what it is, just give me a hint._   
  
**_10:27, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_Can’t. I have a deal with McCoy_.  
  
Jim stared at the screen in disbelief.  
  
 ** _10:28, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_**

_You formed alliances before the game even began! That’s cheating!_   
  
**_10:31, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_What the hell are you talking about, Jim? Since when were there rules? And stop bothering people. Don’t you have work to do or something?_   
  
**_10:32, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_I WILL crack through your defenses one way or another, and I’ll figure out what’s in that package, Bones!_   
  
**_10:33, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Yeah, sure. Good luck with that._   
  
**_10:34, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Bah, I don’t need luck._   
  
**_10:35, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Fine. Have fun begging and grovelling._  
  
\--  
  
 **February 3rd**  
  
 ** _18:54, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_**

_Hey Uhura…_   
  
**_18:54, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_ **

_No._   
  
**_18:56, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_ **

_Can’t you at least wait until I ask you a question before saying no? What if it was about something important?_   
  
**_18:56, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_ **

_No._  
  
\--  
  
 **February 4th**  
  
 ** _13:04, J. Kirk to P. Chekov:_**

_Hi Chekov! How’re you doing?_   
  
**_13:04, P. Chekov to J. Kirk:_ **

_Hello, captain! I am good! Is something the matter?_   
  
**_13:05, J. Kirk to P. Chekov:_ **

_Not really. I just need a little help._   
  
**_13:06, P. Chekov to J. Kirk:_ **

_With what? Maybe I can help!_  
  
Jim could practically see the smiley face at the end of the message. It made him happy. He should’ve just gone to Chekov for help at the beginning. The teen was always so eager to please—it was so very endearing.  
  
 ** _13:06, J. Kirk to P. Chekov:_**

_It’s really not that big of a deal. I just need someone to run down to the sickbay and distract the nurses for me._   
  
**_13:07, P. Chekov to J. Kirk:_ **

_Oh, is this about the package? I’m afraid I can’t help you with that, captain. I made a promise to Doctor McCoy. Sorry!_   
  
**_13:08, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Really!? Even Chekov!?_  
  
He never received a reply, but he could practically  _see_  the smug grin on Bones’ face.  
  
\--  
  
 **February 5th**  
  
 ** _09:37, J. Kirk to Spock:_**

_I have reason to believe that the sickbay is in need of an inspection._   
  
**_09:39, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_On what basis are you making this statement, captain? The sickbay was thoroughly inspected 11 days, one hour, 14 minutes ago. The results were more than satisfactory._   
  
**_09:40, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_What if Bones brought in an unknown foreign substance? Wouldn’t that warrant an inspection of some kind?_   
  
**_09:42, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_Hardly. Doctor McCoy has all the credentials and experience needed to deal with any foreign substance he brings onboard the ship. In fact, an inspection may inhibit his ability to do his work properly. If you’re curious about the package, perhaps you should go ask the doctor himself?_   
  
**_09:43, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_You’re in on it too!?_   
  
**_09:44, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_That is debatable. I am aware of what the package contains, but I am not in ‘cahoots’ with the doctor._   
  
**_09:45, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_Then can you tell me what’s in it?_   
  
**_09:47, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_I’m afraid I agreed to be a neutral participant in this._   
  
**_09:47, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_Damn._   
  
**_09:48, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_Captain, I must request that you refrain from sending me irrelevant exclamations._  
  
\--  
  
 **February 6th**  
  
 ** _15:19, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_**

_Come on, Bones. Just give me a hint already!_   
  
**_15:21, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Dammit, Jim, we’re in the middle of a diplomatic negotiation! Stop being so unprofessional!_   
  
**_15:22, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Hey! You’re doing it too! I can’t help it if they take forever to get a single sentence out! I’m BORED!_   
  
**_15:24, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_So am I. Why am I even here?_   
  
**_15:25, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Because they wanted to thank you for saving their people from a deadly disease?_   
  
**_15:26, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_They’ve been thanking me for the past six hours now. I think that’s more than enough. I don’t know how much longer I can stay awake._   
  
**_15:27, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_You know what would keep you awake? Telling me more about that fascinating package you’re hiding in the sickbay._   
  
**_15:27, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Jim. No._   
  
**_15:28, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_What? It was just a suggestion!_   
  
**_15:30, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Bones?_   
  
**_15:36, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Bones? Are you ignoring me or did you fall asleep with your eyes open?_   
  
**_15:38, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Booonnnneeesss! Talk to me! I’m boreddddd!_  
  
\--  
  
 **February 7th**

  
**_11:01, J. Kirk to H. Sulu, L. McCoy, M. Scott, N. Uhura, P. Chekov, Spock:_ **

_Just give me a hint! Pleeaaasssssseeeee?_   
  
**_11:01, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_ **

_No._   
  
**_11:02, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_You’re still going on about that?_   
  
**_11:02, P. Chekov to J. Kirk:_ **

_Sorry, I’m not allowed to._   
  
**_11:05, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_Captain, please stop sending me messages pertaining to this topic._   
  
**_11:06, M. Scott to J. Kirk:_ **

_I’m afraid I can’t, lad._   
  
**_11:09, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Seriously, what is it exactly that you do on this ship, Jim?_  
  
\--  
  
 **February 8th**  
  
There were no messages that day because Jim tried to sneak into the sickbay and was instantly tranquilized.  
  
When he awoke, Bones was standing by his biobed with the slightest smirk on his lips. “I had a feeling you’d drop by today.”  
  
Jim frowned. He had mixed feelings about the whole situation. On the one hand, he was touched that his CMO knew him that well, but on the other,  _damn_ , the man knew him  _way_  too well. He groaned. “Jesus, Bones, I can't believe you actually tranquilized me.”  
  
“Can’t say I didn’t warn you, Jimboy.”  
  
McCoy sounded so smug that Jim didn’t know what else to do but pull the doctor down for a kiss.  
  
\--  
  
 **February 9th**  
  
 ** _17:58, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_**

_Give me a hint or I swear I’ll steal your clothes, burn down all your plants and then frame you for it._   
  
**_17:59, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_I’m calling your bluff._  
  
Damn.  
  
 ** _18:00, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_**

_You know I totally could go through with it if I wanted to._   
  
**_18:01, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_I don’t doubt that, captain._   
  
**_18:02, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_Don't mock me._   
  
**_18:04, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_**

_Come on! Just a little hint! Please? Please, please, please, please, please, please!_   
  
**_18:05, H. Sulu to J. Kirk:_ **

_Wow, that was sad—but still no._   
  
**_18:06, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_I’ll lick you._   
  
**_18:06, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_Right on the forehead._   
  
**_18:07, J. Kirk to H. Sulu:_ **

_What? And still no._  
  
Jim gave up after that—but that was mostly because Sulu stopped responding to his messages.  
  
 ** _18:30, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_**

_Resorting to threats now are you? How do you have all this time to badger people? Don’t you have work to do around here?_   
  
**_18:30, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Don’t YOU have work to do around here?_   
  
**_18:31, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_Yes, but not at the moment. Unlike you, I don’t comm people when I’m working._   
  
**_18:32, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Oh. Well, in that case, where’re you at? I’ll come find you._  
  
\--  
  
 **February 10th**  
  
 ** _13:20, J. Kirk to P. Chekov:_**

 _Until I find out what’s in that package, I’m going to be very upset with you._  
  
Chekov turned around with the dejected expression of a kicked puppy whose owner got ran over by a truck— _twice_.  
  
The guilt hit Jim hard, but he stood firm…sort of.  
  
 ** _13:23, J. Kirk to P. Chekov:_**

_*Until I find out what’s in that package, I’m going to be mildly upset with you._   
  
**_13:24, P. Chekov to J. Kirk:_ **

_What’s the difference?_   
  
**_13:26, J. Kirk to P. Chekov:_ **

_It means I’ll still talk to you but I won’t smile at you._   
  
**_13:27, P. Chekov to J. Kirk:_ **

_Oh. I’ll miss your smile then, captain._   
  
**_13:27, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Oh god, I’m a MONSTER._   
  
**_13:32, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_ **

_You just noticed?_  
  
\--  
  
 **February 11th**  
  
 ** _22:48, J. Kirk to M. Scott:_**

_Scotty, if you don’t tell me what’s in that package, I’ll blow up the ship. I swear I will. I bet you don’t think I will but I’ll totally do it. This ship has that function, doesn’t it? I bet it does. Or maybe we can steer it into a planet and blow it up that way. DAMMIT, SCOTTY! TELL ME WHAT’S IN THE PACKAGE!!!_   
  
**_22:48, J. Kirk to M. Scott:_ **

_KABOOM! I swear!_  
  
Jim was only  _mostly_  drunk at that point.  
  
It was a good thing he had mastered the art of drunk comm-ing way back when.  
  
 ** _23:26, M. Scott to J. Kirk:_**

 _Atefr yoiu raerglljy goinhg toi//?_  
  
Apparently Scotty was even  _less_  sober than he was and couldn’t be bothered to type a coherent reply.  
  
McCoy leaned over his shoulder and read his messages out loud then snorted in amusement. Taking another sip of whiskey, he slurred, “Congrats, Jim. Think this makes you the first Starfleet captain to threaten to blow his own ship up. Kaboom, hmm?”  
  
Jim scowled drunkenly at his CMO. “Shut up, Bones. I’m the captain. I’m allowed to blow us up if I want to. You know what? I’m going to go over to engineering right now to press the big red button. We have one of those, don’t we? Or is it on the bridge? Whatever, I’m going to go find it. You wait here. I’ll be back in a minute to make out with you.”  
  
Unsteadily, he slid off his bed.  
  
And then promptly tripped over his shoe and face-planted on the floor.  
  
Definitely not his proudest moment.  
  
\--  
  
 **February 12th**  
  
 ** _16:08, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_**

 _Tell me or I’ll shave Spock’s eyebrows off._  
  
Uhura immediately turned around and shot him the single most threatening glare he had ever seen. It caused his survival instincts to kick into overdrive and it took all his will to remain planted in his seat. He could practically feel his balls trying to castrate themselves out of fear. Quickly deciding that he chose the wrong person to threaten, he sent her another message.  
  
 ** _16:09, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_**

_Sorry, my finger slipped._   
  
**_16:09, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_ **

_It was supposed to say ‘If you’d be so kind as to tell me what the package contains, I promise I’ll get you whatever you want from anywhere in this universe.’_   
  
**_16:10, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_ **

_That was totally a common typo—anyone could’ve made it. The keys are like right next to each other._   
  
**_16:11, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_ **

_I feel like I should also mention that you’re the smartest, the most talented and the most beautiful person in the galaxy—nay, the UNIVERSE. And it’s a shame we don’t have shrines to worship you and to sacrifice tribbles and other cute things to you._   
  
**_16:12, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_ **

_-yet. Because you’re so amazing and awesome, it’s totally bound to happen very soon in the near future._  
  
Glancing down at her comm, Uhura seemed satisfied with his correction and turned back around.  
  
Jim breathed a sigh of relief, believing he was safe.  
  
But then he received a new message.  
  
 ** _16:13, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_**

_If you so much as touch a hair on his eyebrows, I will personally penectomize you._   
  
**_16:13, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_ **

_Captain._  
  
Instinctively, Jim drew his legs closer together.  
  
 ** _16:14, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_**

_Bones would be displeased._   
  
**_16:18, N. Uhura to J. Kirk:_ **

                        ** _16:15, N. Uhura to L. McCoy:_**

                         _Leonard, I regret to inform you that I may have to penectomize the captain.  
                        Rest assured that he’s been given ample warning though._  
  
                        _ **16:17, L. McCoy to N. Uhura:**_

                        _Well, that’ll put a damper on Valentine’s Day. But if you warned him then I  
                       guess it’s fair game._  
  
 ** _16:20, J. Kirk to N. Uhura:_**

 _Did I mention that you look especially nice today?_  
  
\--

**February 13th**   
  
**_08:52, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_If you don’t tell me what’s in that package, I will strip down and go through the rest of my shift naked._   
  
**_08:53, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_Captain, I don’t understand how that constitutes as a threat nor do I understand why you feel that that is a logical way to cope with your curiosity._  
  
Jim couldn’t help that he was on his last straw. Sulu stopped responding to his messages, he still felt terrible about being mildly upset at Chekov, Bones had his army of tranquilizer-wielding medical staff and Uhura was better at making threats than him. And Scotty…well, he couldn’t think of a threat more extreme than blowing the ship up.  
  
 ** _08:54, J. Kirk to Spock:_**

_It’s a threat because it’ll make you very uncomfortable._   
  
**_08:55, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_Please, Spock? I’m borderline begging you right now! I just really want to know what it is!_   
  
**_08:56, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_It’s fascinating how a single package has gotten you this agitated, captain._   
  
**_08:57, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_So will you tell me?_   
  
**_08:59, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_As I previously stated, I agreed to be a neutral party in this conflict between you and the doctor. Furthermore, seeing as you have made it through 13 days already, it is only logical to assume that you will last until tomorrow._   
  
**_09:00, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_I’m going to start stripping now._   
  
**_09:00, J. Kirk to Spock:_ **

_This would be better with a little background music playing, wouldn’t it?_   
  
**_09:01, Spock to J. Kirk:_ **

_I have no comment on the matter._  
  
Jim had already taken off his shirt when Bones entered the bridge. He blinked, confused. “Bones? What’re you doing here?”  
  
McCoy spared him a glance and looked a little disappointed for some reason. “I thought Spock finally learnt how to crack a joke—a bizarre joke, but a joke nonetheless. But it turns out he was just telling the truth.” Then with his attention turning back to Jim, he crossed his arms and frowned. “Good god, man, what are you doing? Put your damn shirt back on before you get sick.”  
  
Obediently, Jim slipped his shirt back on.  
  
The day went on as though nothing happened.  
  
\--  
  
 **February 14th**  
  
 ** _18:31, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:_**

_Hungry. Dinner. Now._   
  
**_18:32, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:_ **

_Now who could ever deny such a romantic request?  Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, Bones!_  
  
After dinner, the two of them headed back to their room. McCoy stopped in front of their door and muttered, “Close your eyes, Jim.”  
  
Jim raised a brow. “What? Why? Is it going to hurt? Will you kiss it better if it does?”  
  
Bones scowled. “Just close your eyes, you infant! It’s supposed to be a surprise!”  
  
With a smile on his lips, the captain did as he was told and allowed himself to be led inside. Behind him, he could hear the door sliding shut and licked his lips in anticipation. After two weeks of waiting, he was more than ready to open his eyes and be pleasantly surprised by whatever his CMO was giving him with a happy ‘Oh, Bones, you shouldn’t have!’  
  
But instead, his eyes snapped open at the sharp pinching sensation on his neck. Clapping a hand over his neck protectively, he looked around, bewildered. There weren’t any rose petals on the bed or scented candles or even alcohol in sight—just Bones and a hypospray. “Ow! Seriously!?  _That_  was the big surprise? Jesus, I feel weird already. What’d you inject me with, Bones?”  
  
McCoy looked slightly uncertain as he put the hypospray away. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jim. It’s a Vulcan aphrodisiac. I figured you’d be up for trying it out since you wouldn’t stop talking about it when we visited New Vulcan. You have no idea how hard it was to get my hands on this. In its original form, it’s too potent for humans so I had to dilute it. Hopefully I managed to get it water down enough for y-”  
  
He never got a chance to finish his explanation/rant because Jim tackled him onto the bed and they proceeded to have the best Valentine’s Day sex— _ever_.

**Author's Note:**

> Bones didn't dilute it enough.


End file.
